Why do I experience the same things over and over in my relationships? When Sam started therapy, all he knew was that his relationships don’t work after a while. After exploring what happens after that first date, we found a pattern that seems to be common in most of his relationships. He mentioned a few months into the relationship his girlfriends express incredible anger toward him. It makes him anxious and uninterested in staying in the relationship.
This is not uncommon for most people. We get attracted to people who push our buttons the way our caretakers did. But why? If you want to go really deep into this concept learn about Imago therapy introduced by Drs. Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. But in a nutshell, we all have a comfort zone. Our comfort zone is not necessarily comfortable, instead, it is familiar. If we had a mother or father who easily lost their temper, over the years we developed familiarity toward that behavior, even though it was unpleasant and disturbing. As a result, we know how to be, how to act, and how to exist around people who lose their temper easily.
Interestingly enough, in childhood, we may have decided “I will never get angry like that”, or “I will never tolerate a partner who loses their temper so fast”, but because this is the most familiar behavior for us, we unconsciously get attracted to a person who holds characteristics similar to what we have been raised with even though these characteristics are not displayed at the beginning of our relationship.
Begin to pay attention to the patterns that show up in your relationships; they are trying to tell you something and you need to consider it an opportunity for growth. Listen to the message and if it is something you want to change, begin learning more about yourself and the unconscious motivations that have kept you stuck in this unpleasant place. If you can’t find what they are, seek help from a counselor who can help you dig deeper and make a change.
Faith Nouri , Ph.D.
Licensed Professional Counselor – Supervisor
www.LifePulseCenter.com